dianadidit

So here I am again, looking to say the words, to be honest, to just try and understand me more. 

I started my journey at 319 lbs ( I think that was my highest, truth be told, I have no idea.  That was what the scale said when I checked, could of been higher at some point, but that day it said…319 and for some reason it said it LOUD).  So other blogs tell how I felt and so on.  I was doing good, losing, feeling good about me again, even wearing clothes that I never woulda thought I could and not show rolls and rolls of me.  The lowest I got to at that point was 181.  Life was getting good, then….I got pregnant.  I’m 40 years old and have two kids and getting pregnant was not in the cards for Diana.  My emotions were all over the place, I took 7 tests before I even went to the doctor.  I even thought that poor nurse was lying.  Another bonus of losing weight, you want to have sex again, and I did and so did my husband.  I’m not sure what we were thinking not being safe, I have no excuses, we got pregnant.  I wasn’t happy.  I wished for bad things.  I know I know, children are a blessing from God.  I know this, I’ve been blessed.  My head was messing with me and I just couldn’t deal.  Then I finally realized it was happening, we are having another baby.  Two days later, we lost it. 

So the problem here is, or the problem I work on daily is.  Did I cause it?  I fought and fought my head.  I cried for weeks.  I was so sorry.  I’m still so sorry for the bad thoughts.  Then it happened, my old friend came back.  FOOD.  I ate and ate and ate…and gained back…68 lbs.  Went right back on in like no time.  I didn’t care again, and I ate like I didn’t care.  My husband didn’t say anything, he knew I was hurting.  My daughter, my beautiful daughter didn’t say anything, because she too knew that me eating was better than me crying. 

Before all this, I gave away all my big woman clothes.  I gave myself no fall back options.  I was down to size 16 and wasn’t ever going back up.  That is what I told myself at the time.  Welllll……when you put on 68 lbs in a short amount of time, there isn’t enough laying on the bed and sucking it in to put those jeans on.  They were not going on.  Truth be told, it wasn’t even that day that made me snap.  I just found something else to wear.  Pretty sure it was yoga pants. 

This turned out to be a mighty long story and I’m sorry.  I finally got out of the cloud of sadness.  Well I’m now working on getting out of the cloud of sadness.  I told my old friend to go and I started once again sweating and feeling better. 

I guess I realized a few things, about me.  First I’m so weak at times.  I have to love and know my weak self.  Second, there is always going to be something in life….I have to deal with it and not call on my old friend Food.  Third and my hardest one, I have forgive me(still working on that one). 

One other thing that I learned……exercise is better than any drug at feeling better.  I know, crazy huh.  I was feeling lazy and down.  Took everything I had to get off the couch and get to sweating.  I mean……..EVERYTHING I HAD.  After…….holy cow, I had energy, I was laughing with the kids.  I did laundry and cooked, did dishes, danced a little while I did dishes……..for me, and only for me…….exercise is the key to better head health and I hope in the long run body health. 

With all that being said…….I’m in a work in progess……..the work has begun again and I’m gonna be alright.

Thank you for letting me say this all out loud…so to speak.  Telling the truth…..frees me.

I love me today…….it’s gonna be a good day!

one more thing…..I’ve lost 9 lbs so far……..and so far so good.